The Complete Guide to Deciphering Apartment Ads

What They Say           What It Means
=============           =============
spacious                hole in the wall
                        to anyone living in their car
                        that's why we're charging $200 above the going rate
                        easy access to
                        Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale, this
                        transportation can mean:
                        (a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
                        (b) next to the railroad tracks
                        (c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
                        (d) a&b, b&c, a&c above
                        (e) all of the above

friendly staff          Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities          That's the only way we can entice people in this dump.
                        Would you pay THIS rent AND the water & garbage?

heated pool             only when the sun's out
                        only when there's water in it

great views             reach out and touch your neighbor!
                        overlooking the garbage dumpster
                        overlooking the pool
                        overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable              to:
                        (a) anyone with an income of $100 K
                        (b) anyone with wealthy parents
                        (c) anyone who is wealthy
                        (d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

pets welcome            kids aren't
                        we just never got the odor out

AEK                     All Electricity Kancelled
                        EEk!

W/D                     Will be Disgusted
                        Worried/Depressed people

AC                      Atrocious Carpeting

WWC                     Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!    located in East Palo Alto
                        (Your insurance will not cover bullet holes in car, self
                        -protection devices, frequent theft &/or life insurance)

light and airy          built as cheap as we could
                        cold and drafty

secure parking          the manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot
                        "No one's been robbed on the street."
                        covered parking

move in bonus!          no one else wants it
                        it hasn't been rented in six months
                        includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

rustic                  classic 60's decor
                        nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta earthquake
                        outhouse is in the back
                        only one heating vent