Redefining the Emmys

AWARDS SHOW Hollywood's only way of getting a bunch of high-profile names into a cheap low-budget production.

HOST A person who can deliver a line . . . only if it's written by someone else . . . as long as it's written on a teleprompter.

TROPHY Symbolically, an achievement of excellence to an outstanding individual; functionally, a paperweight.

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH Here are the different types of acceptance speeches:

1. Yellow Pages Speech - The winner, who carries his speech in a briefcase, thanks everyone he has ever met, but gets booted off stage before getting through the "R" section.

2. The Sermon - Suddenly, the winner becomes spiritually enlightened and decides to spread the word of God. By the end of it, you think he's going to give you a toll-free number where you can call-in your donations.

3. Gettysburg Address - Winner talks about a political problem occurring in a country that he couldn't find on a map.