Early Retirement

FROM: Human Resources

TO: All staff

RE: Early retirement:

Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.