Detroit Lions

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team for '99. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window a good 200 yards away - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers over 100 yards away - ka-blooey! Then a car passes, going around 90 miles per hour - bulls-eye! Right into it.

"I've got to get this guy", Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom", he says into the receiver, " I just won'the Super Bowl".

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son".

"I don't think you understand, Mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten and came within an inch of losing their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped...in broad daylight!"

The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."