Conductor One Liners

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.

Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

Q: What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
A: About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.

Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

Q: What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A: A baby sucks its fingers.