Things Losers Do on Their Resumes

TYPOS AND GRAMMAR SLIPS

"Suspected to graduate early next year."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."
"Accounting cleric."
"As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"P.S. If you hire me away from this nightmare, you'll also save me thousands in therapy."
"Marital Status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"Geographic Preferences: A dry climate averaging 75 degrees, light breezes okay."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate-especially when the job is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head."
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for
another opportunity."
"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"Frequent lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30."

BAD HUMOR

"Title: Another resume from the 'Profiles in Excellence' series."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."
"Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it."
"Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation:
Short-order cook.)
"But wait...there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job'-and I like your company in particular."
"Trustworthy references available upon request-if I give them a few bucks."
"Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' over my experience."

WHAT ARE YOU? STUPID!?!?

"Fired because I fought for lower pay."
"Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5"."
"Please disregard the enclosed resume-it is terribly out of date."
"Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC."
"Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."
"Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

This information was found at: http://www.StudentCenter.com/brief/brief.htm It's a good site with some good information, regarding the job search.