BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfected. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually

pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Room is spinning.

Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Lap cool and wet.

Fault: Drooling on yourself.

Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Sympton: Bar looks like a circus.

Fault: You're at a circus.

Solution: Go to a bar. Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and leash you to the bar.